A column · Dr Alla Demutska · Clinical Psychologist

Ask Dr Alla

A clinical psychologist takes one question at a time. Selected questions are answered on the Ask Dr Alla column on Substack, roughly every one to two weeks. I read every submission. I cannot answer them all. Names are changed. Identifying details are softened.

All responses live here

Every published response to a reader question appears in the Ask Dr Alla section of my Substack. Free to read. New answers land there roughly every one to two weeks.

Read Ask Dr Alla on Substack →

If you are in crisis

This column is not a crisis service. If you are in immediate danger or thinking of harming yourself, please contact your local emergency line right now.

Australia · Lifeline 13 11 14 · Emergency 000
Singapore · Samaritans of Singapore 1-767 · Emergency 995
Indonesia · Into the Light Indonesia +62 119 ext 8 · Emergency 112
UK · Samaritans 116 123 · Emergency 999
US · 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline · Emergency 911

What this column is for

Yes: identity in midlife, perimenopause and the nervous system, the cost of being the strong one, body image and ageing, the inner critic, parts work and what is asking to be heard, the experience of becoming invisible, ambivalence about therapy, what to do when you have outgrown the version of yourself that worked. Relationships, attachment patterns, intimacy, and dating are welcome at any life stage - I write a lot from a midlife lens, but relational questions do not have an age limit.

Not the right place for:

Clinical emergencies (see crisis resources above).
Medication and dosage questions. Speak to your prescribing clinician.
Diagnosis requests. I can think about what may be happening with you, not assign a label.
Therapist referral requests for your local area.
Questions from current or recent clients of mine - please bring those to session.

Send your question

Anonymous is fine. You only need to fill in the question itself. Everything else is optional. The more context you give about your situation - what is happening, how long it has been going on, who is involved, what you have already tried - the more useful and specific my answer can be.

First name (or pseudonym · optional)

Age band (optional)

Email (optional · only needed if you want to be told when published, or want to subscribe below)

Your question 300-1500 words usually works best. Tell me what the situation actually is, not only the question abstracted from it. The clinical reading of a situation depends on its specifics.

I understand my question may be answered publicly in the Ask Dr Alla column on Substack. Identifying details will be changed. I can email Alla at any time to request that my question not be published. I understand this is not clinical advice and does not establish a therapist-client relationship with Dr Alla Demutska. I will seek my own care for clinical decisions. Also subscribe me to Dr Alla's email list (occasional reflections, new writing, upcoming programmes). Requires email above.

How this works · ethics

A short list, because these things matter.

I read every question that comes in. I answer a small number on Substack, around two a month. If yours is not published, it is not because it was not important. The column has a particular shape and I choose questions that the broader readership can also use.
Published answers change all names and identifying details so that you cannot be identified. Specific scenarios are softened, ages and locations are adjusted, relationships are described in general terms. If your question is so specific that you would prefer it not be published even with details changed, please tell me in the question and I will hold it as private reflection.
This is not clinical advice and does not form a therapist-client relationship. I cannot diagnose, prescribe, or supervise care through a column. What I can do is think clinically alongside you and offer perspective grounded in fifteen-plus years of clinical work.
If you are currently or recently in therapy with me, please bring your question to session rather than the column. The column cannot hold the role I already hold for you.
Crisis resources are above. If you are in immediate danger, please use them. This column does not run on a clinical timeline and cannot respond in real time.
Your submission is stored confidentially. If you ever want it deleted, email me and it will be done.
I write as a clinical psychologist registered in Australia (AHPRA) and a Full Member of the Singapore Psychological Society. My answers are general clinical reflection, not jurisdiction-specific advice.